NDR: Fishing jokes needed
- Thread starter Rick Kyte
- Start date
Jay Anglin
Well-known member
How about one of my favorites. I use this when I'm guiding and say it like Groucho Marx and generally try to embarass anybody who asks,"Do you ever smoke them".......
"I love to smoke salmon....but I have a heckuva time gettin' um lit" budumpBUM!
Lots of variations on that one but you can work it in.
PS Better get to work on a "meeting" time for SW Michigan soon! If you get my "drift"...get it "drift". budumpBUM!
"I love to smoke salmon....but I have a heckuva time gettin' um lit" budumpBUM!
Lots of variations on that one but you can work it in.
PS Better get to work on a "meeting" time for SW Michigan soon! If you get my "drift"...get it "drift". budumpBUM!
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Brian F.
Well-known member
I read this one on the MI refuge forum awhile back...
Two fisherman who do not know one another are staying at the same resort and end up becoming friends during their stay. One night after they each have a few glasses of 'Jim Beam' they begin to tell stories. Bob proceeds to tell Ray that long ago he once caught a 230 pound Salmon that took him 3 hours to land and it was the biggest fish seen in them parts for years......
Hearing this, Ray proceeded to tell Bob about the time he was fishing a very deep inland lake up north, and he landed an old Coleman lantern. It had a tag on it that said it was from 1912. "But the best part about it," Ray said, "is that the Lantern flame WAS STILL GLOWING."
Bob looked at Ray, snuffed out his cigarette, and said, "OK Ray, I'll take 200 pounds off my fish, if you'll put your lantern out....."
Two fisherman who do not know one another are staying at the same resort and end up becoming friends during their stay. One night after they each have a few glasses of 'Jim Beam' they begin to tell stories. Bob proceeds to tell Ray that long ago he once caught a 230 pound Salmon that took him 3 hours to land and it was the biggest fish seen in them parts for years......
Hearing this, Ray proceeded to tell Bob about the time he was fishing a very deep inland lake up north, and he landed an old Coleman lantern. It had a tag on it that said it was from 1912. "But the best part about it," Ray said, "is that the Lantern flame WAS STILL GLOWING."
Bob looked at Ray, snuffed out his cigarette, and said, "OK Ray, I'll take 200 pounds off my fish, if you'll put your lantern out....."
Mark(mo)
Active member
Bubba was stopped by a game warden in southern Missouri recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a river well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
Bubba responded, "Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish ?"
"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of bull! Fish can't do that!"
Bubba looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
Bubba dumped the fish into the river and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said Bubba.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish?"
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
Bubba responded, "Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish ?"
"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of bull! Fish can't do that!"
Bubba looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
Bubba dumped the fish into the river and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said Bubba.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish?"
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D.J. Hagen
Active member
Ole and Sven are standing on a bridge fishing in the river below. Suddenly Sven sees in the distance a funeral procession coming. Sven reels in, turns toward the road, places his fish pole over his shoulder and stands at attention until it passes by. Ole says "Vy Sven dat vas such a respectful ting to do. I am really proud of you for doing it." Sven says "Sure Ole, but do ya know I vas married to dat voman for tirty-five years." (Norwegian accent optional)
Jay Anglin
Well-known member
But this is one of my favorite sayings that I quote on occasion.....
"There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot."
Steven Wright-comedian
So, I'll say something like,"....because as you know fellas, there's a fine line...etc etc."
As far as the steelhead go...I would say by the time this snow melts and the "guaranteed" warmer weather kicks in, shoot for the third week of March through the third week of April. Angie and I are headed in early in the morning to bring these twins into the world so I'm going to be a little side tracked for a few days.
"There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot."
Steven Wright-comedian
So, I'll say something like,"....because as you know fellas, there's a fine line...etc etc."
As far as the steelhead go...I would say by the time this snow melts and the "guaranteed" warmer weather kicks in, shoot for the third week of March through the third week of April. Angie and I are headed in early in the morning to bring these twins into the world so I'm going to be a little side tracked for a few days.
JeffCassat
Active member
tell your kids... lame is...
1) how do you keep a fish from smelling... cut his nose off
2) two fish swimming in a lake, one hits a concrete wall.. the other says.. damn
3) two fish in a tank.. one says "you man the guns, i'll drive"
I'M ON FIRE
jeff
1) how do you keep a fish from smelling... cut his nose off
2) two fish swimming in a lake, one hits a concrete wall.. the other says.. damn
3) two fish in a tank.. one says "you man the guns, i'll drive"
I'M ON FIRE
jeff
Scott O.
Well-known member
Steve and Lee rent a boat and go fishing. They catch a lot of fish and return to the shore. Steve says to Lee, "I hope you marked the spot where we caught all those fish." Lee replies, "Yes, I marked an 'X' on the side of the boat to mark the spot." Steve says to Lee sharply, "You idiot. How do you know we'll get the same boat?"
This might have really happened...I don't know
This might have really happened...I don't know
Lee Harker
Well-known member
A man and his newlywed check into a mountain resort by a lake. The desk clerk notices the "Just Married" sign still on the car. As soon as the man gets the luggage out of the car, he hops in a boat to go fishing.
He is out all day, comes back for a quick supper, picks up his lantern and goes back out at night. This goes on for a couple of days when the man happens to stop by the desk. The clerk starts a conversation with the man and mentions his behavior.
"I know it's none of my business, but I was wondering why you weren't having sex with your new wife."
"Oh, I couldn't do that; she has gonorrhea."
"Well, what about anal sex?"
"Couldn't do that; she has diarrhea."
"There is always oral sex."
"Nope, she has pyorrhea."
"Wait a second. If she has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and pyorrhea, why did you marry her?"
"That's easy. She also has worms, and I love to fish!"
He is out all day, comes back for a quick supper, picks up his lantern and goes back out at night. This goes on for a couple of days when the man happens to stop by the desk. The clerk starts a conversation with the man and mentions his behavior.
"I know it's none of my business, but I was wondering why you weren't having sex with your new wife."
"Oh, I couldn't do that; she has gonorrhea."
"Well, what about anal sex?"
"Couldn't do that; she has diarrhea."
"There is always oral sex."
"Nope, she has pyorrhea."
"Wait a second. If she has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and pyorrhea, why did you marry her?"
"That's easy. She also has worms, and I love to fish!"
Lee Harker
Well-known member
One Saturday morning Scott gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs his dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and down to the driveway he goes
Coming out of his garage the rain is pouring down: it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow and sleet mixed in with the rain. The wind is blowing at over 50mph.
Minutes later he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house. Turns the TV to the weather channel and he finds it is going to be very bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.
There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible". To which she sleepily replies, "Yeah, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in it?"
Coming out of his garage the rain is pouring down: it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow and sleet mixed in with the rain. The wind is blowing at over 50mph.
Minutes later he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house. Turns the TV to the weather channel and he finds it is going to be very bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.
There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible". To which she sleepily replies, "Yeah, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in it?"
Lee Harker
Well-known member
Eric is out in his row boat when suddenly a passing speed boat raises huge waves and the his oars fall overboard! He is stranded out in the middle of the lake!
After about two hours, he sees another row boat going by with a Steve and two women in it! Eric yells, "Hey Steve, can I borrow one of your oars?"
Steve yells back, "They're not whores ... they're my sisters
After about two hours, he sees another row boat going by with a Steve and two women in it! Eric yells, "Hey Steve, can I borrow one of your oars?"
Steve yells back, "They're not whores ... they're my sisters
Rick Kyte
Well-known member
I appreciate all the jokes. I can't say I rolled off my chair at any of them, but that's okay. Several of them are amusing enough sober that they should be hilarious by the time everybody has had a few beers.
Lee: We've really been trying to promote this as a family event, so I'll start with yours.
Jeff: Those are type of jokes I usually tell. That's why my kids walk away as soon as I say, "Did you hear the one about . . . "
Scott: I heard that one years ago--the Sven and Ole version of it--but had forgotten it. I'll use it tomorrow.
Mark: We'll have a couple of COs at the banquet. I may be able to use that joke about one of them. But it's hard to tell a joke about wardens that's funnier than what they actually encounter. I read in the newspaper this morning that a guy near Duluth went through the ice with his truck. When the warden responded to the call, he asked the guy what he was doing driving on the lake with such thin ice. The guy said he thought the ice would be thicker than when we went through in the same spot two weeks ago with his ATV.
DJ: I wonder if my wife will like that joke as much as I do.
Brian: That's my favorite so far.
Jay: Hope everything goes well tomorrow morning. We'll all be waiting for the pictures!
Rick
Lee: We've really been trying to promote this as a family event, so I'll start with yours.
Jeff: Those are type of jokes I usually tell. That's why my kids walk away as soon as I say, "Did you hear the one about . . . "
Scott: I heard that one years ago--the Sven and Ole version of it--but had forgotten it. I'll use it tomorrow.
Mark: We'll have a couple of COs at the banquet. I may be able to use that joke about one of them. But it's hard to tell a joke about wardens that's funnier than what they actually encounter. I read in the newspaper this morning that a guy near Duluth went through the ice with his truck. When the warden responded to the call, he asked the guy what he was doing driving on the lake with such thin ice. The guy said he thought the ice would be thicker than when we went through in the same spot two weeks ago with his ATV.
DJ: I wonder if my wife will like that joke as much as I do.
Brian: That's my favorite so far.
Jay: Hope everything goes well tomorrow morning. We'll all be waiting for the pictures!
Rick
Lee Harker
Well-known member
Why...I'm honored! Didn't know it was a family type thing...shoulda said something. I got them off google, like a couple others did..just type in "fishing jokes"..they had some that kids would like.
R.A. Coleman
Active member
TU hugh... This should do.. From my Barber Bill when I was a kid back in Chicago..
You know why Mt. Goats stink?
No Bill Why?
They eat fish!
They eat fish?
Yea they eat fish and that makes them smell something awfull!
They stink so bad they can't stand it, so they go down the mountain to a stream and take a bath.
All that stink comes off the goats, goes into the water and KILLS the Fish!
The Fish (mostly Trout) die and end up on the bank.
Then the Goat goes over and eats them...
Bill is long gone, and for no good reason that story has stuck with me for 50 years..
You know why Mt. Goats stink?
No Bill Why?
They eat fish!
They eat fish?
Yea they eat fish and that makes them smell something awfull!
They stink so bad they can't stand it, so they go down the mountain to a stream and take a bath.
All that stink comes off the goats, goes into the water and KILLS the Fish!
The Fish (mostly Trout) die and end up on the bank.
Then the Goat goes over and eats them...
Bill is long gone, and for no good reason that story has stuck with me for 50 years..
Ray
Well-known member
Old Dave had been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey.
He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitching rail.
As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The gunslinger looked at Old Dave and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
Old Dave looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to." A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at Old Dave's feet.
The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.
When the gunslinger fired his last bullet he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. Old Dave reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound.
The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet.
The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.
Old Dave asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule square on the ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to."
Don't mess with old farts named Dave. . . . .
He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitching rail.
As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The gunslinger looked at Old Dave and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
Old Dave looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to." A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at Old Dave's feet.
The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.
When the gunslinger fired his last bullet he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. Old Dave reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound.
The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet.
The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.
Old Dave asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule square on the ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to."
Don't mess with old farts named Dave. . . . .