Looking for some Southerner Input

Mark W

Mark W

Well-known member
Being a Yankee and all, I need some help. One of my buddies has accepted a job in North Carolina and we are having a send off for him this weekend. I need a good old gag gift in true Southern fashion. Something like a Budweiser Can Wind Chime, or a "how to Speak Southern" manual or something along these lines. The wackier and more insulting it is, the better it will be received.

No disrespect intended, just looking for some good suggestions.

Thanks -

Mark W
 
Get him a pair of denim bib overalls (no shirt unless it has Dale Earnhardt or has a rebel flag on it), can of chewing tobacco, big box of grits, and a nylon mesh/foam baseball cap that says Cat Diesel or Bocephus, rag for a gascap, and a date with his first cousin.
 
A washing machine for his front porch, blocks to put his car up on when he gets down here, a spitoon for his grandma and a bunch of Gadwall decoys (thats all we got to shoot at) Shawn
 
box of yellow light bulbs ( for the bugs ),
can of "OFF" ( for the bugs ),
benedril anti itch (need i say it?),
Jeff Foxworthy southern dik-shun-ary , ( sum-beach is not a spot on the edge of the ocean )
Wife beater T-shirt ,
3 or 4 extra lawn mowers that only need 1 particular part to run and some air in the tires,
Extra Christmas lights for the front porch,you only have to put them up once.
Oh and its pronounced "Krii-muh"
once he thinks he can handle it, send him down to the DEEEeep South ( The M.AL.AR.KY. boys will show him around. Tell him July and August are nice)

you might want a copy of ", Steel Magnolias, Deliverance and My Cousin Vinny" ,2 great love stories and a crime drama

Heck just give him a Gift Certificate to the local Truck Stop,

We only have 3 seasons here ......Christmas ,almost summer , summer ,
 
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All good, keep em coming. What's "Krii-muh". I've seen his 2nd cousin and a date with her would be a treat and I mean it - WOW!!!

Mark W
 
its the way "Merry Christmas" is pronounced..............Mare-a Kri-ma speak it slowly , you'll figure it out =)

kinda like ya-on-too , " do you want to "
aaaaiiiight , "alright "
ya-mom-an-nem , " your mother and family"

yes there's a lern-in curve......
 
an outhouse for the backyard. and if he gets homesick for the north he can go inside and take some deep breaths
 
A pair of denim "overhalls" would be good.

Foxworthy's Redneck Dictionary would be excellent.

Rebel flag hat, bumper sticker, or window decal (especially if the DU, Browning Buck Mark, or similar logo in "Rebel"). If you can find it, the one that says, "Clean Up the South, Buy a Yankee a Bus Ticket Home" is always good.

A copy of "Deliverance" would be classic - thank the Lord Burt Reynolds kilt someone dead, or it'd just be a love story/chick flick. Nothing tugs at my heart strings like that "Dueling Banjos" serenade.

Get him a pair of jeans - and if you can get the Skoal ring in the back pocket, so much the better, but that's hard to fake.

A mullet wig, black velvet Elvis painting or some Graceland souvenir, NASCAR (preferably Dale or Junior) hat, shirt, jacket, commemorative plate (must be displayed in the house).

Corn cobs - make sure you get reds and whites.

Lynyrd Skynyrd - pretty much anything.

Tell him not to talk about hockey or ice fishing for the first six months at least. Football and basketball. And that y'all is singular or plural, all y'all is plural, and you'uns or y'uns is y'all plus 3.

This could be one hell of a Southern Transition Kit. Oh, and don't say "Civil War". It's just "The War" or "The War of Northern Aggression".
 
All good sugestions, however not one of you Yankees mentioned JohnBoy and Billy. Just find him the local Big Show station and he'll be talkin south in no time.
 
And when he passes a court house with a statue don't ask your new friends if it's Sherman.WAAAAAAGHH:>)
 
speaking of court house's, I belive that the Eagle on the top of the House/Senate here in Jackson Ms. is the only one in the Nation that does NOT face Washington. Its turned 180 away ! I need to do a little more research and verify that.

On another note, I have some friends that are Civil War reenactors . He told me that there was a rule that said when they fired off the Cannons for display purposes they were always facing North ! Which stinks sometimes because the Raymond Battlefield is just a few miles South of my house !!! 1/2 pound-o-powder ,WILL get your attention !
 
Ever wonder how many times one can enjoy re-enacting the Civil War?I really believe they are practicing.
When you see the bearded boys in thier Trucks you get the impression that they could film the Civil war with the original cast.
I was just the other day,saying to my horse ,TRAVELER................................:eek:)lol
 
Hey ya'll! I you kin git yore dickshunerry online. Here's a bit fo ya:
1) HEIDI - (noun) - Greeting

2) HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: "Heidi, hire yew?"

3) BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow". Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

4) JAWJUH - (noun) - the state north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck and took it to
Lanner."

5) BAMMER - (noun) - the state west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayam. Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvments." (Correction: Capitol is Montgomery - thanks, G. MacCrone!)

6) MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar dvision. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

7) THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

8) BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops and yeast. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a nutter bare."

9) IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native". Usage: "Them Bammer boys shore are ignert!"

10) RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "Ah thank ah left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

11) ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "Ah shore hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

12) FAR - (noun) - A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thang's gonna catch far."

13) TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, ah hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

14) TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, ah shore do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

15) RETARD - (verb) - To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

16) FAT - (noun and verb) - A battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat. Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup yuh."

17) RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

18) CHEER - (adverb) - In this place. Usage: "Jest set that bare rat cheer."

19) FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic. Usage: "I cuddin't unnerstan a wurd he sed... mus be from some farn country."

20) DID - (adjective) - Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim."

21) ARE - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas containing oxygen. Usage: "He cain't breath ... give 'im some are!"

22) BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay away from that there bob war fence."

23) JEW HERE - (pronoun and verb) - Contraction. Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?

24) HAZE - (pronoun and verb) - A contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart? Nah...haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit'n 'is laf."

25) SEED - (verb) - Past tense of "to see". Usage: "Ah ain't never seed Noo Yawk City."

26) VIEW - (verb and pronoun) - Contraction. Usage: "Ah ain't never seed Noo Yawk City ... view?"

27) GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution. Usage: "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert."

28) FIXIN' - (verb) - Preparing to. Usage: "Ah's just fixin' to do that now."​
NEW ADDITIONS (2/2/06):​
29) JEETJET (complete sentence) - Did you eat yet?​
30) YONTEW (complete sentence) - Do you want to?​
31) TWIRLY-TWEET (complete sentence) - Too early to eat.​
NEW ADDITION (2/16/06):​
32) TRAMPOLINE - (noun) - A bed that you can't get in trouble for jumping on.​
NEW ADDITION (5/31/06):​
33) WRENCH OFF (verb) - what you do instead of taking a shower. Usage: "Let me go wrench off before we go out tonight."​
 
Down here we have 2 kinds of crome. On the left is "Tennessee" crome. Comes in a can and will cover a multitude of sins. On the right is "Kentucky" crome. Comes in a roll and goes a thousand miles an hour. You buddy will need a starter pack of these.

Dadsstuff205.jpg

 
the stuff on the right is whats refered to in the Star Wars movies as " the force " , it has a light side a dark side and holds the universe together.
 
how many little red dotted underlines came up on that post?
well i may not be a southerner but some of us rural vermont east bum-***kians talk in a similar fashion. sept we add the "i's" add drop some "e's" and add a few r's and a's, that should do it for a general rule.

ie(yew gonna git stuck if yew go up'nair), ovadair, onair,

hey maybe you should tell him you traded his outboard on his duck boat for a 60" fan.

eddie
 
Ed

You asked,

"how many little red dotted underlines came up on that post?"

I would guess NONE,,,, after all our host is from Bama!! hehe

 
A baker's dozen:

1) a white flag of truce; because although Lee and my ancestors surrendered following the Great War of Northern Aggression and Occupation, some of my countrymen definitely have not...

2) A case of:
A) red man or beech nut chewing tobacco
B) RC cola
C) moon pies

3) A compass and a map so he can find his way home...

4) Snake boots, snake chaps, and a snakebite kit for when that big ol' moccasin zaps him in the face...

5) A big freaking can of raid and deepwoods off....

6) A "Rebel Loofah" and "Rebel Piller (Pillow)" -- items stuffed with Spanish moss... he'll get the gist of the joke in, oh, about 24 hours after using such items... he'll never forgive..I mean, forget you for providing such a thoughtful gift...

7) a pickaninny statue for his front lawn...

8) does he have a woman? then daisy dukes for her (no matter how...ahem...endowed she may be in der rear)

9) a redbone hound pup for his front porch, and a blue-nose pitbull for his truck bed... (hope he doesnt drive a prius)

10) gift certificate for Hooters - the wings are tasty and the Hooters girls..well...

11) someone mentioned an outhouse already.. perhaps a sears-roebuck catalog for "unmentionables" in said outhouse?

12) A bantam rooster...

13) And if he REALLY wants to fit in with multigenerational inbreds and proudly display his utter lack of sophistication, couth, and general tackiness....

A University of Florida "Gator Nation" wifebeater t-shirt and requisite Gator (head) hat...

oh, and he'll have to name his Pitbull "gator" and his coondog "urban"

and paint his Prius Orange and Blue

and tell him that there's a huge "Gator Nation" expatriate rally in Knoxville, Tenn during the weekend of UT's first home football game... he'll be welcomed with open arms...

oh and one more...(I forgot Carolina has actual hills and such):

14) a manual powered reel lawnmower - an absolute delight to use during June, July, and August
 
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