Story from Fifth Grade

Eric Patterson

Eric Patterson

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This memory just popped in my head and made me laugh. Tales of Fifth Grade Nothing.

I had a pretty long walk to elementary school and one day while in the final stretch a classmate, Scott, who was walking with me found a beer can in someone's front yard. He picked the can up and the heft made it obvious it had not been opened. Probably tossed out of the window of a teenager the night before. This story pre-dates MADD and teen drinking and driving was pretty common back in the day. Well Scott takes the can and stuffs it in his lunch box. I completely forgot about it and at noon we file into the cafeteria, lunch boxes in hand. About ten minutes into lunch Scott reaches in his box and pulls out the can of beer. Some of the fifth-grade students were shocked while others snickered. In an unprecedented move Scott grabbed the tab and pulled it back unleashing the unmistakable sound of an opening beer. I guess our teachers knew that sound all-to-well because their heads snapped around like Linda Blair in the Exorcist to witness the beer foam mist cloud settle on my classmates. In less than 2 seconds flat Scott was jerked up by the arm and halfway to the principal's office by our teacher with a none-to-pleased look on her face. The next day we had a school assembly with the county Sherrif who talked to us about the hazards of underage drinking and drugs. Looking back, I don't think Scott drank or did anything wrong the rest of his school says and he was quite active in his church group. He simply saw an opportunity to grab some attention. Mission accomplished ol' buddy.

 
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Lol. I had some friends in school, about 5th grade also, who got a lot further than just opening it. Those of us little angels who would never do anything wrong in school just stared at them in amazement. That was probably the same year we all dressed up as Kiss to walk through our homecoming parade. I had some friends from the wrong side of the tracks for sure. 🤣 Somewhere I have a photo from that parade. Good memories.
 
When we were teenagers we would go on canoe trips and always stop below the rapids and look for beers that fell out of someone's canoe after they dumped on the rocks. The water was so clear you could see the shiny cans on the bottom. Playing river roulette reaching down and coming up with an ice cold Hamms.
 
Great story--but if pre MADD, you must be OLD! I graduated high school in 1985, and MADD was an active presence from at least 4th grade on. My own similar story was a summer canoe trip on the Allagash River, led by two middle school teachers at my school who had a summer guiding business. Two of the kids tried to sneak a 12 pack of Old Milwaukee on the trip, and of course got caught and the beer confiscated within the first day or so. We had a rainy layover day at a great campsite and made a huge fire, heated up an old chunk of iron we found in the woods, and dragged it under a tarp for a sauna. The 3 trip leaders consumed most of the 12 pack in front of us as a "lesson"--then let the 8 kids on the trip share the last two beers as a "reward". Back in 1980, none of the parents who found about the event were all that worried about it. I'm guessing the reaction today might include referrals for criminal prosecutions . . . .
 
Jeff Reardon said:
Great story--but if pre MADD, you must be OLD! I graduated high school in 1985, and MADD was an active presence from at least 4th grade on. My own similar story was a summer canoe trip on the Allagash River, led by two middle school teachers at my school who had a summer guiding business. Two of the kids tried to sneak a 12 pack of Old Milwaukee on the trip, and of course got caught and the beer confiscated within the first day or so. We had a rainy layover day at a great campsite and made a huge fire, heated up an old chunk of iron we found in the woods, and dragged it under a tarp for a sauna. The 3 trip leaders consumed most of the 12 pack in front of us as a "lesson"--then let the 8 kids on the trip share the last two beers as a "reward". Back in 1980, none of the parents who found about the event were all that worried about it. I'm guessing the reaction today might include referrals for criminal prosecutions . . . .
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That was 1975 ish so yeah different times. One time at Old Comiskey Park watching the White Sox game we even had off duty Chicago coppers buy us beers(Falstaff) . I don't know how i got out of the 70s without to much damage. Less than 10 years later I saw the light and haven't had a cold one in 40 years.
 
Jeff

I was class of 85 as well. MADD was founded in 80 (I just looked it up) and I was in elementary school in the late 70s. My how times have changed, and in this case for the better. When I was growing up there was typically a couple DUI deaths at my high school per year. I haven't heard of one of those in years. Sadly, drug overdoses have taken their place.
 
I was in South Florida when MADD was going strong, and it did influence my drinking behavior because I was on the road most of my life, and couldn't afford to lose my license. There was too much drinking and driving in those days going on. But the Friday and Saturday night sobriety checkpoints were a bit much. I believe they were struck down as unconstitutional, maybe somebody else remembers. I last went through one about 20 years ago in the Pine Barrens here in south Jersey.
 
greg setter said:
I was in South Florida when MADD was going strong, and it did influence my drinking behavior because I was on the road most of my life, and couldn't afford to lose my license. There was too much drinking and driving in those days going on. But the Friday and Saturday night sobriety checkpoints were a bit much. I believe they were struck down as unconstitutional, maybe somebody else remembers. I last went through one about 20 years ago in the Pine Barrens here in south Jersey.
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They still happen here in Maine. They don't occur often, and they are labeled as "safety checks" and only result in sobriety tests if the driver appears impaired. I once got stopped in three consecutive checks on my way home from dinner out with my wife--three different towns on our route that apparently coordinated with a combination of state troopers, town cops, and county sherriffs for what must have been a pretty big operation. At the third stop I told the cop it was my third round and he just waved me through.
 
CHURCH KEY. If ya do not remember that term I dunno what to tell ya. Long before pull tabs, snap tops, etc. The first beer cans ya had to open with a opener. IRON CITY was one of the first for beer in a can that did not need a puncture opener, they had bottle tops, if I recall correctly. Had 3 uncles in the beer business and I worked for all 3 at one time or another starting in the early 60's. The educational value during that time had much greater impact on my life then I ever thought it would, for better and worse. I got to see it all, and it continued when I worked for the PLCB.

"Life's been good to me so far...." - Joe Walsh

my 2 cents
 
I won't bother you with the antics we pulled off, but what I've read so far has been pretty tame.
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The challenge has been issued!

This is a beer related thread so.. Senior year of HS in 78, skipping school wasn't a big deal. In late April a fishing day was selected, which included emptying Bud long necks while fishing for bullheads, white perch and eels. Said fish were diced and placed in the empties, then recorked for fermentation. I was not the mastermind, but it seemed like a great idea at the time. After a couple of weeks in the sun, a mid-week day was chosen as the "tasting" day. Numerous bottles were uncorked simultaneously about the school, with pieces of the foulest smelling stuff ever erupting from the top and quite literally hitting the ceiling. Totally unexpected, as only a nasty smell was anticipated. School was cancelled for the remainder of the day and two more. For some reason no one was caught, but neither the police were called nor did TV crews descend to cry terrorism. The next year, underclass proteges of the great beer bottle caper claimed one-upsmanship by skinning muskrats and leaving the carcasses in heating units over the weekend.
 
Bicentenial HS graduate here, class of 76. A few facts about me:

I know what a church key is and also used them for a very short time until.......
The church key went out and the pull tab came in. They got rid of that because babies could swallow them or some such
Then came the two raised bumps that you pressed so you had one hole to drink from and one for a vent. Those made you cut your fingers once in a while
Then came the tab you have today, which is just fine
I was good at opening beer bottles with just about anything(before they made the twist tops) without chipping the glass
I got away from drinking because of the aforementioned, and only have a beer like once a month now because I just got used to not drinking. I am somewhat ashamed to admit that, because it confirms me as an obvious lightweight. The upside is I'm 65 and don't have a beer gut.
I do, however, annually make some bad ass egg nog at Christmas that uses a bottle and a half of Makers Mark. I will also occasionally have a bourbon, which is the only hard liquor I will drink.
 
Brad Bortner said:
Did you take apart the school master's horse drawn buggy and reassemble it on the school roof?
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We did put a VW on the steps to the school building, blocking the main entrance. On occasion, live animals could be found roaming and flying thru the hallways.
A home made "smoke bomb" took out one of the "built into the wall" payphone booths. Yes, I realize you will need to lookup the term "payphone". :p:p
 
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